There is a memory that follows me around like a shadow. When I go where it cannot, it waits for me to come home at 4 in the morning. And clings on to me like an idiot child afraid of abandonment.
I miss everything.
The good, bad and ugly.
I miss everything, everyone so badly.
Not to say that people here aren’t great,
but somethings can’t be replaced.
i feel like most of the good parts of me died away when you stopped loving me at all. You used to say I was like a child, loved/gave like one, and you weren’t wrong. For the longest time I believed that it was the best part of me. The part of me you had mostly to yourself, which spilled out onto people around us. When you told me that there was no more future, the best part of me cried itself dry, surrendered and laid down to die. It isn’t your fault, and you’re a great person. You don’t have a bad bone in your body, and you wouldn’t harm a soul, save for your own. But when you gave up on me, all the good in the world vanished. The colors lost their beauty and became different shades of grey. I don’t believe in the good in people anymore, and I don’t believe there is such a thing as truth or faith, or the deep love that makes us human and redeems us from all the ugly things that happen. I don’t have a reason to believe that love is real and will not change, because people change. Places and circumstances change people, and those changes cannot be reversed. You were always telling me that I cared too much for too many things, and I never listened. Not until you gave up, and with you, I gave up too. You are gone now, from me, and with it everything that I used to be. I will never care about people the same way I cared when I was with you. I will never believe in, or give to, like I used to. This is what you take from me. I cannot get it back, and I don’t want to anymore. You are gone, and the good parts of me have gone too, along with you.
At least I hope it’ll be.
"Anaïs, I don’t know how to tell you what I feel. I live in perpetual expectancy. You come and the time slips away in a dream. It is only when you go that I realize completely your presence. And then it is too late. You numb me."
Henry Miller to Anaïs Nin (via larmoyante)
"Do you love me enough that I may be weak with you? Everyone loves strength, but do you love me for my weakness?"
Alain de Botton (via jamesfrancozpenis)
THIS IS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER READ.
Calm face, raging madhouse mind.
And what is real?
How much is real?
How much of what you see is merely perception?
How much of what you see in your mind’s eye is true?
So much more difficult when it’s family. Everything gets stretched out of proportion. It hurts so much more and hits closer to the heart than all else.
I’m not ready for you to leave. I can’t deal with mom alone. It’s also fucking empty at home without you.
I don’t know if it’s normal to feel this sad. I can’t explain why it’s this painful, and I really don’t understand why. I don’t know much anymore.
I haven’t been a very good sibling, and I need you alot more than you’d ever need me. Alot more than you’ll ever know.
I’m really not ready to say goodbye again.