If anyone could get me out of bed on a day like this, it would have to be you.
I miss all those evenings spent at yours, smoking up whatever there was, and wasting time. You used to give me grief for eating all your food, and chide me for most things I do. We would laugh about it and I would try to come up with something smart and that would start you off again. It still makes me laugh. You told me a long time ago that you poke fun at me so much because you never had any siblings to poke fun at. I never minded. You were the older sibling I never had.
There was this long weekend that turned into 2-3 months, when I came over to get away from that fiasco with that horrid guy? That’s one of the safe places inside my head that I go to sometimes.
We have all left home, and I can’t just hop on a cab and come see you. The next time I get to see you is when you become a mom. And between now and then, I hope you know that I miss you dearly. And you are like family to me. I love you the same way I loved you back then, and that won’t change no matter how far apart we are.
When I’m around you I feel happy, like when we were in the park today talking about how everyone should just go back to being monkeys. It doesn’t feel weird being quiet around you, and the silence is comfortable. It feels like home. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else’s expectation of what I should be, I don’t feel like I have to wear a mask, or hide or have to try to be anything else. I don’t have to try to justify anything that I feel when I’m telling you about it, because I know you’ll understand. I can be grumpy messy weepy hungover pointless listless and what not, and you’ll still be my friend and want to be around me. You get me. It’s wonderful when you speak. You’re sensible and you make sense of everything calmly. And you’re kind. I think that’s why I am comfortable around you. You are one of the few people capable of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and walking a mile in them. That’s why you seldom have anything bad to say about anyone, and you don’t gossip.
It hurt when I lost josh, but if I was never with him, I’d have never gone out to K Road for dinner with him, and walked past you on Grafton Bridge. If that never happened, I wouldn’t have recognised you at the smoking area in the car park, and gotten to know you. We wouldn’t be friends, and you wouldn’t be in my life now.
Life gives and takes, and I cursed at life when I fell out of love, but I am not angry anymore. Because when the smoke cleared, you were still here. And the other people that matter.
I am grateful for that.
fuck that’s nice!
My live-painted piece for @Hurley_Australia at the @AusOpenofSurf after a week of being out in the weather. See this cutie being painted at vimeo.com/furrylittlepeach/hurley (at http://vimeo.com/furrylittlepeach)
Sketches of the day
Patterns on Monk Kimono
/ mji 1424 – WIP /
next page work in progress
Woke up with a little more clarity, and I’m trying to be glad that you left. Knowing myself, I’d never have been able to. I’d just have held on and gotten more miserable over time. Thank you for setting me free to find someone better, someone else who will actually put me first and treat me well. You’re all about what you want, and what’s good for you. Its mostly been you, you, you, your vision of what things should be in the future, how your friends see you and for that fact, me, what you want of me, what not what not. You were in love with the idea of me, and the idea of being in a relationship with a future. But nothing ever hit home for you because you just aren’t capable of letting your guard down and allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. And because I was in love with you, I bent over back too much and compromised myself. Thank you for lying to me about being in contact with that girl you had a thing with, because if you didn’t do that, it’d have been so much harder for me to let go now. You lied to my face, just lied and lied and lied. God knows what else you’ve lied about. But it’s fine, we’re done, you let me go. You let me go, so I don’t have to deal with that anymore, I don’t have to deal with you.
You ask why I kept silent.
I talked too much while we were together. I have said everything that could’ve been said, but it didn’t work because you left anyway. The more I said, the more you were convinced that we were too different, and it couldn’t work.
I don’t blame you, I am okay with that. I did love you. I have come to terms with the fact that you didn’t love me enough to want to make it work, and now I am done trying.
I kept silent because there is nothing left to say
I miss everything.
The good, bad and ugly.
I miss everything, everyone so badly.
Not to say that people here aren’t great,
but somethings can’t be replaced.
i feel like most of the good parts of me died away when you stopped loving me at all. When you told me that there was no more future, the best parts of me cried itself dry, surrendered and laid down to die. It isn’t your fault. But when you gave up on me, all the good things lost their colours and became different shades of grey. I don’t believe much in the good of people anymore, and I don’t believe anymore there is such a thing as truth or faith, or the deep love that makes us human and redeems us from all the ugly things that happen. I don’t have a reason to believe that love is real and will not change, because people change. Places and circumstances change people, and those changes cannot be undone. You were always telling me that I cared too much for too many things, and I never listened. Not until you gave up, and with you, I gave up too. You are gone now, from me, and with it everything that I used to be. Everything that I cared about. I will never care the same way I cared when I was with you. This is what you take from me. You are gone, and the good parts of me have gone too, along with you.
At least I hope it’ll be.